I Wanna Be
by lita rocks LbC
Summary: It hurts every time she goes out with another person and calls me to help heal her heart while mine is slowly tearing apart every time, but i guess that's what I'll put up with if it means having her in my life at all.


**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Just the thoughts in my head.**

**AN: I'm tired. I was gonna go to sleep, but this just popped into my head and I already had OpenOffice open so I just typed it up right quick. If it's not good, I blame it on the fact that my eyesight's all blurry, my head is all fogged up, and I started typing this at three in the morning – it's now around four ish. **

**AN#2: Inspired by Chris Brown – I Wanna Be. Yeah, I know, he's an asshole, jerk, bish, abuser and all that crap, but he's got great songs. I guess you can call this a songfic. Whatever.**

**For those who are only the friend and never the boy/girl friend material. It sucks, I know.**

**I Wanna Be**

Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. Being in love with someone who doesn't realize it, I mean. It's like, you've always been there for this person, but she's always preoccupied with someone or something else to realize how great you've been to her. I mean, I don't want to sound like the she owes me anything, but being recognized for always being there would be great every once in a while. I guess even that's too much to ask for and I'm only setting myself for a heart ache when she's done with me and goes back to the other person. It just fucking sucks.

I've been in love with her for so long, even when I was in a relationship with that stupid, egotistical, idiotic, moronic... stupid guy! Hell, I've been in love with her since _before_ I was in a relationship with the dumb ass. She was the one who helped push me to him, and I seriously just thought she was straight up... well straight! She's never shown any liking for another girl and she's only been with guys. She _only_ talks about guys when I'm around, and it fucking sucks.

Anyway, like I was saying... she's the one who pushed me to him, into his arms when I rather it be hers. I was young, I still am, but I'm not afraid of loving her like I was back then. That's the only reason I went out with him, because I was scared of judgment and it was still all new to me. The whole _'I'm a girl I shouldn't be liking another girl'_ thing scared the living shit out of me. Now it's been a couple of years, and I know how I feel is _real_, not that whole boo boo puppy love shit. This is REAL love. I'm _in_ love. With her.

I think I always have been, no, I KNOW I've always been in love with her. I'm usually a sucker for brown eyes, but her baby blue eyes always held me in a trance and mesmerized me. It was so blue and clear and held emotions that made me weak in the knees, no matter what emotion it was. When she was happy I was happy and found myself wanting to kneel in front of her and hug her, suffocating my face into her tummy. When she was sad, I wanted to kneel beside her and hug her to me until she felt better. When she was angry I wanted to kneel any which way to her and beg for her anger to go away. It sounds crazy, but it's true! The way her hair blew in the wind as a breeze blew by made me want to jump her take her right then and there. When she smiled butterflies would erupt in my stomach and make me want to throw up the breakfast I had the morning before. When I was angry, upset, scared... I would just hear her voice or catch a glimpse of her beautiful face everything that had me wound up would unwind itself and I'd feel relaxed and at peace. She has that kind of affect on me.

Sometimes it scares me, but other times it makes me want her even more. The way her melodic laugh would float into my ears and get me so high, higher than any drug could ever lift me up, I never ever wanted to come back down. There's so much that I know about her, and so much more that I want to know... on a more romantic note, of course. The way I want to know all of her weak spots, just so I could find them and hear her moan makes me blush just thinking about it. How I want to know what her deepest fear is, just to keep her away from it. I want to run a red light, get hit in the process, die, and wake up in another world and meet her all over again just to see if I'd fall in love with her as easily as I've done in this world. Does that sound crazy to you? Does that sound scary to you? If you had asked me a couple of years ago, when I was young, naïve, and innocent, I would have said that yes, it does sound crazy and yes, it does sound scary. Like I've said though I'm more older, wiser, and less scared of things.

The years have been crazy but one thing has stayed constant and that's the love I have for her.

I'd never get what I really wanted though (her) because it's too late and I'm nothing but the very best friend to her. I should have made my move on her that first day she came up to me when I was running around lost in the school hallway on my first day of middle school, but everything was still all so new to me. It was a beautiful day too, but then again everyday is beautiful in sunny ol' southern California, with the sun up the temperature was warm enough to not need a sweater that morning of January, and there wasn't anyone in the hallways when she found me distressed and ready to collapse on the floor in panic.

She's been a blessing in my life ever since that day. She helped me get over the death of my mother(i love you, momma), showed me around the city, introduced me to my other best friend, and hell.. she keeps me grounded when my 'other side' begins to get all big headed.

The only times she hasn't been a blessing in my life is when we're on the phone or hanging out and she brings up other people, _guys_, into our conversation. Those are the only times I'm tense around her and force a fake cheery look on my face, along with the voice and everything. She talks about them like they're God's gift to Earth, but I know better than that. They're all the same. They all lead her on, get her, get what they want, then leave her, and who's the one she always runs to? Yeah, me! I hate the fact that well.. it's a fact.

When she calls me late at night crying her eyes out, I know she's cuddling with a pillow, snuggling her face into it, and I can't help but wish that it was my chest she had her head on. I know she uses tissues, too, and I can't help but WANT to be the one to wipe her tears away with my hand. At this point, I don't care what type of inanimate object she uses to help her cope, I just want to be near her when she's down in the dumps.

She just doesn't get it. She doesn't realize that they're all the same, and I'm the one who'll always be by her side. She doesn't get the fact that I want to be who she dedicates songs, too, even if they're my own songs that I sang about her. She doesn't get the fact that I don't give a fuck about all those guys that she gushes over and rambles on and on about. She'll never get the fact that I don't want to be the first person she calls over some cute person she saw the other day at the mall.

She'll never understand why I stopped talking to her for a month after she told me she met this _girl_ who swept her off her feet at the party that she went to with _me. _Guess what happened when that girl played her? Yup, she ran to me and I consoled her. I never rubbed the fact into her face, that I was always the first person she went to, but god do I want to!

Then there was Chelsea.

Stacy.

Oh yeah, can't forget Courtney.

Those relationships never lasted and each time she got with another girl and ran back to me, I felt a piece of my heart break off until there was nothing more. I just wanted to shake her and make her get the fact through to her head that all those failed relationships was because they weren't meant for her.

That I was.

But every time I got up the courage to tell her how in love I was with her, she always bounced back with another girl and I just found myself waiting to be there for her when she needed me most.

I've accepted the fact that I'll be nothing more to her but that's okay because all I ever want to be is in her life.

**AN: Review. K, thanks.**


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